hi thots #1
10:07 pm, sunday may 21, 2023

hello! this is the first time i'm writing here, and this isn't something i'm entirely used to doing, but i think i'll be fine. i've had covid for the past few days, which has been a bit difficult, mostly because i don't actually feel very sick at all, but i still need to stay away from my family and friends until i'm better. i've had a lot of time isolated to think about a good amount of things, including what i see for myself in the future, what my goals and accomplishments may be. i think it's hard to really think that far ahead, but i think it's good to at least have an idea. after finishing up my first year at mcgill, it's time to start reflecting on what i've learned since last august. it turns out i'm not as into mathematics as i thought, but linguistics is really cool. part of me wishes i knew how to do cool linguistics stuff, like make conlangs, so maybe i'll get around to figuring that out. conlangs are so cool, there's this guy online that's been making a dolphin conlang, with attention to minimalism, similar to toki pona. it also turns out that mental health is a thing that you can struggle with differently in college than in high school, and navigating social changes in my life has been a bit difficult, but i've learned how to seek help for that sort of thing. not to dive too much into mental health and all, i just wanted to mention how different of an environment mcgill is than my hometown. i think a big culture of silicon valley is that sort of work hard and grind to the top attitude, to the point where personal emotions become diluted by the pressure to succeed. i know this isn't at all unique to the bay area, but i think it's especially problematic here since the last few decades. a lot of students in high school suffer from that sort of academic pressure, and while i think i made it out alive in one piece from that attitude, it's not much better at mcgill, a school with admittedly *pretty* elitist students. but it's been good for me to take a step back and process why i feel that sort of pressure, what it's a remnant of, and how to move on. i think i've also started thinking about music a bit differently as well. there was a big problem i used to have where i, for whatever reason, couldn't really enjoy music that was electronic? it's difficult to explain, but i just didn't enjoy anything that wasn't basically something along the lines of shitty punk rock, and i think shutting myself off from an entire musical universe was a big mistake? so i've recently been making up for lost time and trying to dive deep into some new music. a bit embarassing that it's taken this long, but oh well. writing my own music has also been something to burn covid time, and i've been trying to get creative with that. something i've been considering is what i want the music that i create to be. maybe not defined by some strict genre but just general vibes, something along the definitions of shoegaze? dream pop? but i haven't had too much success yet, beyond a couple bits and pieces i think sound nice. writing music has always been something that i tried doing, but just never was very dedicated to, which is a big shame. part of me fears that i won't be as committed this time either and just quit again, but hopefully that won't happen as soon as i fear it will. i've also stocked up on a bunch of video games for my time in isolation, and i've been replaying gta v, so maybe i'll take this time to nerd out a bit. i got portal 2, left 4 dead 2, and terraria, 3 games that i probably should have owned years ago. but something i'm learning while writing is that it's important to not focus on what you missed out on in the past, it's nice to have first experiences and cherish them at your own pace.